His eyes filled with stars
As he lay down to sleep
Night after night nothing changed
Dreams of Orion
Taking off
Being free
Took flight as his eyes shut their gates
When he woke in the morning
Reality did too
But he thought he’d try just one more time
“To fly spaceships,” he said
“That’s all wrong,” he replied
When would he ever escape?
Weeks went by
Then months
Then years
Eventually settled at a desk
His father was pleased
With the path he had chosen
But his faded dreams still came late at night
This is my favorite of your three poems. I commented in class but I didn't really get to dissect it and let you know what I think could make this great.
ReplyDeleteI liked the short stanzas, it segments what's happening and easily transitions you through events in the story. The same with the stanza that begins, "weeks went by" I like the way this verse transitions you through time with words.
I also enjoyed the metaphor "took place as his eyes shut their gates" That automatically tells the reader that he is dreaming but his dreams are almost captured in his head.
I do feel that you could take out a few words to make this more fluid and easier to read. I might consider taking out the word "just" to make "but he thought he'd try one more time"
Maybe add something to let the reader know that the speaker is addressing his father in the dialogue. After reading this a few times, this is what I'm guessing?
I also think your last line could be much stronger if you took out a few words. Such as "Faded dreams still came late at night". PLaying with the syllables makes the words flow off of the tongue more easily.
Very cool poem.
Nice poem. I didn't understand one stanza: “To fly spaceships,” he said
ReplyDelete“That’s all wrong,” he replied
When would he ever escape?"
I sthis the character choosing to please his father or is this his father distinguishing his dreams? I like the title of the poem, though I expected the poem to be more of an epic poem since the title is "Spaceships."